List Vs Habits—Seeking Faith-filled Spouses

By Jamie Gruber

In high school my girlfriends and I read a book on book on Christian dating: how to date, who to date, when to date. We desired dating to be purposeful and God centered. The dating culture of our peers was driven by hormones and status, and easily ended. If we were to have purposeful and God-centered relationships, we would need to create a way to sustain meaning in the midst of chaos. Our solution to avoid falling into “another high school fling,” was to create a checklist against which each boy would be measured. Now, we did this with the best intentions: to stay pure and seek Christ. However, it shouldn’t surprise you that we didn’t have many dates. Let’s face it, no 17 year old guy had a chance.

The four short years of high school came and went and off to college we all went with the hope that a man would finally match our list… but yet another disappointment. To our innocent surprise, college did not produce perfect checklist quality men. Yet we still believed in the power of the list, so we clung to our list sure that it would soon yield a live person.

Leaving college I said to a friend: “Well, in high school and college males were still boys, but NOW in the working world, I will find a decent list-worthy man—after all, they do pay their own bills and work 9-5…” It has been a year since I left college and still, no list-approved dates.

This past weekend, I was part of a conference for young adults titled, “It Takes a Family to Raise a Village.” One of the professors gave a lecture on the dos and don’ts of marriage. In one sentence he changed my outlook on lists. He said don’t create a checklist of expectations for your future spouse—this is a recipe for disappointment. Instead, create a list of habits YOU want to bring to your future marriage. When husbands and wives are equipped with virtuous habits their relationship is able to flourish and grow toward Christ.

Immediately, my list was shattered. I was using the list to ignore my responsibilities in preparing for my vocation. Rather, I was idolizing my future husband’s perfection and his virtue. This weekend, I was reminded that marriage is a Sacrament, a window to Heaven. Ultimately, marriage is a vehicle to our sanctification. One day, my virtuous contribution will be just as vital as my husband’s to our salvation.

My new list has my name at the top and it is a list of habits I want to contribute to my marriage. There is a weight that has been lifted. It is not for me to match a man to my list. Instead it is my duty to form virtuous habits now. Habit formation is the greatest active marriage preparation we can do as single people. We love our future spouse the most when we create habits of virtue in ourselves that will lift our marriage to heaven.

Jeremiah 29:11 reminds me that God has a perfect plan for my future. Building up virtue allows that plan to carry on as God sees fit and one day, through His Grace, I will meet my future husband and be fully equipped for marriage: “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.”