Kelly Dore, ENDOW participant, Colorado

I was baptized Catholic but never understood anything about it, nor did I have role models to provide me with a strong religious foundation. I saw people do unspeakable things to other people, then go to Mass on Sunday and pray for redemption, just to do what they wanted again on Monday. I never understood Lent, why should I give anything up when I was already suffering in my childhood? It did nothing more than to affirm my conviction that when I grew up, I was going to control every thing about my life and the environment of my children and future husband. I learned to not count on anyone, especially not God, yet I could never figure out why I always had a void in my daily life. It took almost 28 years to realize that nothing is ever perfect or completely controlled, even less when you have a significant lack of faith. I did grow up; unbeknownst to me God had my path planned out. I became so blessed to marry a man who loves and embraces Christ, cherishes his family and understands the complete and pure roots of his faith. We have also been blessed to have 4 children. Having an amazing marriage and building relationships with my husband and children awakened something in my heart and put me on a journey to learn and embrace my Catholicism.

I remember Lent 3 years ago, in particular. Life had quickly consumed us, between diaper changes, stacks of laundry, homework and extra curricular activities; my husband called to remind me that we could not eat meat on Fridays, so I should remember that when I fixed meals. I was annoyed at the thought of giving up something when I did not understand the symbolism or sacrifice. But I decided I would make an effort that year and needed to choose what to give up. The obvious were sweets, caffeine, to exercise more and definitely try to fit in more “me” time. They were all superficial things that everyone other good Catholic was doing, but I just could not choose. I just had an empty feeling; there was something major missing. After all, I did have everything in control; our schedules, our meals, the bills, the kids education, our marriage, our faith…Why did I feel like I was failing? I did not like the lack of control I felt in not figuring out something so easy to give up. I was frustrated, then a little angry, then I just didn’t think that I should try to be Catholic anymore.

I remember breaking down and just asking God to give me a sign as to what I should give up. I remember feeling a huge weight lift off of me, it was so clear, everything. Offer everything to God. In that moment, my spiritual life changed. Lent has become so much more than just giving up something that I should probably do with out on a daily basis. Lent is something that I no longer focus on just the 40 days before Easter; I try to live it all year long. It means that daily, I offer up with every fiber of my being to God- my heart, my feelings, and my choices. It means that I have to surrender all control of what I wanted for the things in my life. Especially in my family, I had to have complete trust in my husband in our marriage. I had to have complete trust that the foundation we have built for our children is solid enough for them to make good decisions even when we are not around. It is the realization that I do not “own” my kids, they are gifts from God, merely given to my husband and I to raise and be examples of Christ’s love. Most of all it is living to know. So many times I would say that I hoped God was listening, I hoped God would provide or I hoped God would answer me. It is deeper than that; it is surrendering to my hope and believing in my faith. To know that God will provide and forgive me through all of my imperfections. It means that I no longer fear God, I no longer get angry when I cannot control what He wants for me and I no longer judge His plans for my life. Feeling grateful and understanding the love and sacrifice God and Jesus Christ made for us. That is what Lent means to me. Oh yes, I also do give up something superficial each year as well. This year it is sweets, I finally understand the symbolism of the sacrifice and it is worth it everyday.